When He Accompanied Me to a Rollercoaster Ride

I never imagined myself liking that person. I never dreamed to let things be this way. I never want to hurt myself but I couldn’t really explain the circumstances to my restless heart and workaholic hypothalamus. If only I could close my eyes whenever I see him coming toward me, If only I could push myself away from him, if only I could cut the bonds we have, I’d take the risk just to lessen the pain I have inside. But I know, I doing those things don’t really lessen the pain but it’s escaping the truth of my feelings. I know he was once hurt by the person he loved the most, and if only I could put back the pieces of his broken heart, I’d really do because It’s hurting me more whenever I think about what he felt in the past.

Going back to the guy, he came when I was so down with ‘him’. I mean, he didn’t literally come but it’s like taking a roller coaster ride together. I intend not to put a simple sentence for that because it would seemed to uncover this secret that has been living inside of me since last year.

I only said this thing to those persons who could understand me by heart. I didn’t intend to let my other friends to know this because this was really delicate and not for a fact that they couldn’t understand me or whatsoever.

Like what I’ve said in my other posts, histoy reapeats itself and I never learn from those past lessons, although I know from the start that this must be wrong, I continuously went on with this thing.

I never want to look back_______Where?

I never want to lool back on things that really frustrated me. Although I’ve been crushed by those things I must admit that I’ve learned a lot from those even if I’ve been hurt and have been depressed by them. I just want to share a few moments/happenings that melted by heart and turned me into a better person.

1. HEART ish when I was in first year high school. No need to elaborate coz it was too long.
2. A gap that has been born between me, together with my best friend and another close friend.
update: we’re okay now. I now believe in the power of friendship; once a good friend, always a good friend (for our case).
3.The rough road last part of second year and at least half of my third year in h.s. I never want to look back on how I became so rude, selfish, jealous etc. etc.
update: We’re happy now. Although we’re from different schools, we still manage to stay close.
4.Having an “ax”-shaped number on my report card. I never imagined myself having that kind of grade that put me so close to the outside world where I don’t want to belong.
5.First Part of my last year in HS, insanity broke me up again. It was eventually fixed.
6.Another heart ish to that person who was a year younger than me. I never intended to hurt him by my words. I guess I deserved his guilt and possibly his anger.
update: We never became friends. He even deleted me on his friendster account.
7. I failed the DLSUCET. I never admit this before because I was so ashamed. But now, I know, I have to coz you only get what you want when you became honest.
8.Admit that you’re having hard feelings to a person. I’m not that frank in admitting who I dislike. I now know that hiding what you really feel just add to your burden.
9.Having no communication to the only person you love. It’s hard to reminisce your happy memories with that person. It makes me wonder what went wrong in the middle of the road. I realized we’re not meant for each other. It hurts more to accept that the person you continuously love will never became yours.

Anyhow, I should say that without those hurtful moments, I’d never be as strong as this, although it makes me feel upset that I’m having another heart problem, I just close my eyes and ask God to guide me and my feelings as well. I know prayer really works and I’ve proven that whenever I pray wholeheartedly.

February 24, 2006

There comes friday, I left the house before 7:00 a.m., DepEd announced that classes of elementary and highschool students were suspended due to the i don’t know if the matter was with the EDSA revolution anniversary or with that coup thing. There, my story went on like this. I thought I’d be late for my first class so what I did was I ride the first bus to pass by I patiently stood inside until the bus reached MIA road, when I had the chance to sit, I checked my phone, Mar texted me “NO SCHOOL” and then I was like asking her, “HOW DID YOU KNOW”, I texted Nadz coz I know her classes starts at 7:00 am she replied “WALA”, so I went down at Baclaran, I passed by the Church, I prayed for a while and then I rode the bus again. On my way home, I saw on tv that CHED suspended the classes. CHED was in-charge for the College level.

At home, I watched the tv for a while then I just stayed in front of my pc for the next hours.

School Matters

Oh well, a lot of things happened as usual.

MONDAY: I was late on my first class because of my id. I have to do go to the registrar and see what was wrong with my id. I waited for a while and the only reason why my id went on like that was the letter for my parents about the my.lasalle thing. I wasn’t able to go to the chapel to pray for my quiz coz I have a quiz on my first class – CRITHIN. Thank God my prof was just about to distribute the papers. About the quiz: It was so confusing. Mar and I were the last persons left inside, not because we found the quiz hard but it was like we’re just making sure about our answers.
During our vacant, I accompanied Mar on her former school, UA&P pero I just stayed inside her car and just listened to the songs in her i pod coz she would just be gettng something important.
I like the location of Mar’s condo coz it’s in front of glorietta. haha.
TUESDAY:No poligov midterm coz the sub was di nagpnta. Haay. nako.
Swimming again! It was like wow, midterms? I didn’t know how to swim. Jackie, Nica and I was like “bahala na”.
WEDNESDAY-THURSDAY: i couldn’t say anything. we don’t have poligov last thursday, we waited lang sa rum pero no one came to administer the test.
i took the kaspil test. i was quite nervous. i’ll wait for tuesday na lang.

my dad will be home this monday. =p

I Wonder Why

It makes me wonder why my friends keep on insisting that I’m in love at this point. Marge, Jaymee, and Nadz, most especially, tell me “you’re in love”. While me, on the other hand seemed, “no, no, definitely I’m not.” Being in love was one thing that makes me cry. I was too emotional whenever I fall in love coz it’s either I get involved in a one way love or the person I’m loving has no idea how I feel, like now, I must be a liar. I don’t admit to some that I like this person because I was too scared that something might get to be sacrificed.

Yesterday, Nadz sent me this quote:

Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.

The quote was true. But hiding my feelings was the only thing I know to keep things on the right track. Although I don’t love him at this point, I know, it was possible that this would lead to that something no matter how I resist it. I don’t have a choice, but to let things be this sad way. If I to admit this feeling to that person, I’m sure we’d both hurt each other, and I’d never ever allow that to happen. It’s so hurting to like him, it hurts more to think that he doesn’t know how I feel but the most hurting idea I have was that this assurance that he’d never feel the same way. People used to tell me that in loving, you shouldn’t expect anything in return, if the person was meant for you then, he’s meant for you, it’s so easy to say that but you know if you’re the one who’s being told by those words, it was so hard to dig that in mind. I have been told about it for so many times, and it was like listening and then going out on the other side. Oh I remember, I was usually the heart doctor of my friends but never my very self. That was one thing I know about myself. I usually give advices that could really help. My words were really helpful to others but when it comes to me, there were no ways to go out of depression.

I wonder why I keep on falling for someone who was never for me. I mean, I was such a stupid girl. I never learn from the past. If only I could teach myself who to love, I’d never think twice to do it so coz I don’t want to cry anymore.

Oh Well: Birthday Plans

Tomorrow is feb 18, 2 months (exactly) before my 18th birthday. Speaking of Feb 18, I remember, it’s Bj’s birthday tomorrow. Feel ko lang i-share, coz his birthday reminds me that Im going to turn a year older again. My friends keep on asking if I’m going to have the traditional debut. I actually wanted my birthday to be so simple, I wanted it in a nice place (anywhere) (basta wag sa hauz namin), may 18 treasures, 18 blah blah, wohow, I couldn’t think of anything at this point coz I have a lot of work to be done. I really wanted to sing in my birthday coz I wanted to share my talent in singing, nyekz! Haha!


Anyway, 2 months? Long way pa! c=

I Can’t Stop My World For You

His birthday is really drawing near. I don’t think I’m still able to greet him, or if I will, I’m gonna assure my friend, Bry that greeting ‘him’ will be like for the sake of knowing him, and that’s it, i know him coz we’ve met before, i greet him every year and that’s what i want to continue, acting like nothing happened.

i’m fine, i’m better without him.. after all, the damage has been done, and the wound has been cured by time.

i loved you before, but now, i love you no more.

I don’t know how you call this

I celebrated Valentines Day all by myself (wohow, did i really celebrate it or just let it pass by).
No one invited me, oh, I remember, someone invited me out (feb 11), but I didn’t mind his invitation. I don’t know him personally, he used to text me at times, I don’t even know his intention, so why agree or why say yes to his invitation? I would only say yes to those people I know. I have never experienced going out with a guy. So sad!!! =(, anyway, it wasn’t too late, too young and too pretty (ahahaha!!kidding!).

I took my introso midterm this morning, I couldn’t say anything about it since I was too preoccupied by such things like my instudi, poligov and kaspil. Speaking of Kaspil, I seemed to like it, not kidding, I really couldn’t explain but I could really feel that I’m liking it. hehe.

(haha, i remember, I was one of the best in Sibika (history) when I was in grade 2 and best in Hekasi (history) when I was in grade 6),( I even remember having a grade not lower than 94.8 in Social Studies when I was in first year h.s., and the biggest surprise – having a grade of 94.+ on my World History.I’m not being so boastful here, I just couldn’t keep this happiness having those achievements, haha, like the Boston Puritans on our Introso.)

My Introso prof didn’t renew his contract. Oh, it’s kinda saddening coz I’m enjoying his class, although i really didn’t know the story because I wasn’t there when it happened, I would never judge him, he’s not boring, i could laugh and move freely in his class. Oh, please don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that I couldn’t move freely in my other classes, what I mean was m so much comfortable in my introso class. By the way, my classmates in introso were mostly males because i got into an engineering section.

My bestfriend sent me an e-mail, I was teary eyed while reading it. I remembered everything from being an innocent freshie to a young woman whose goals wre already set. I miss her so much!

MY LOVELIFE

oh well, i couldn’t say how was it going. i like someone but i don’t have any rights to let him know. i was too afraid to let my feelings show. i deny him. something pushes me to keep my feelings and prevent myself from loving him, the only thing i knew was to listen to that something and might as well pray to keep me on the right track.

HIS BIRTHDAY

eyteen
gets?
exactly 2 months before mine.
I’m in confusion.
I wanted to greet him, but I was scared that he won’t reply, I don’t wnat to be embarrass
he once meant the whole world to me
but now, it’s about time to let him go, and move on

OH WELL,

i wanted to be sane
i want my life to be normal again

Last Week; This Week; Next Week

LAST WEEK

Monday: I was late on my 1st claz. It was the first time. When I entered college, I was labeled as one of the early birds. Man! That was the first time that I was late.
I don’t have a companion after Crithin, Mar&Mylo didn’t attend so I was all alone there. Thank God I have a kind classmate.
Tuesday: KASPIL again. I was damn nervous coz I expected that Ms. Orillos would call names to answer her questions. Thank God, she didn’t need to call names!
POLIGOV, well, I just sat, listening to the reports of my classmates.
PE, I was an observer. You know the reason. Haha!
Wednesday: I thought the crithin quiz results would be out. Our lessons were getting harder. I wish I could pass the subject coz I wanted to take up Intphil next term. I hope Sir Raj would be so kind. AJ told me that “nambabagsak si Raj”. OMG!
I saw him. I was standing inside miguel hall, nagpapaphotocopy, I saw him going downstairs, I looked at him twice to check if that was really him, yeah, it was really him, I couldn’t remember if he looked at me too, sinundan ko siya ng tingin, goodness!!! he seemed to act like a gay!
Thursday: Haha! My class: 9:40-12:50. So good! I was able to go home early.
Friday: I couldn’t remember any. I went to the lib as usual.
Saturday: Make-up class for INSTUDI, We’re only 6. Our prof gave us additional 10 points on our midterm exam. If we’d make an essay based on the 3 conflicts (WWI,WWII & Cold War), a possible 50 points would be given to us, if our essay would be good, and we don’t need to answer the 2nd part of our exam.

THIS WEEK

Monday: I received my crithin quiz. Fuck! 2.0! It was so bad for me. I studied hard but! Argghh!!!
Our midterm in introso was moved this wednesday! I don’t have crithin this wednesday. My first claz would be introso at 11:40. Hehe! A friend of a friend informed me about ’sariwa’, frosh party. A while ago, Vinci asked me to read his blog coz he mentioned the ’sariwa’ in his blog, so, I was more informed about the party, I actually wanted to come, but I don’t think I would be able to make it coz next week would be A DAMN HELL WEEK for me.
Tuesday: WHAT? VALENTINES DAY? WHAT’S THAT? I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER CELEBRATING THAT DAY. WHAT’S THAT REALLY AN OCCASION?

haha! i may sound bitter! Definitely, i’m not.! I’m single, but my hypothalamus was preoccupied by someone special I can’t seem liking any other guy other than blah_blah_blah_ haha!!!I’m not yet in love! (yah, dat’s true!sounds new?)The last time I fell in love was with **, although I see him in school, I don’t think my love for him would remain coz I was damn hurt! I don’t want to repeat the same burden and the same mistake. At this point, as I’ve said, I like this guy, I may possibly love him soon, but before I fall totally, I want to be sure that he’d be the right guy, and I promise to love him truly and with no doubts. So wait for joanne to fall in love again. Hehe.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

next week: hell week hell week hell week hell week hell week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lian’s Debut

My friend just turned 18 last month, ahh, by the way, Lian was my friend since we were little kids. She was my classmate until grade 3. I thought I won’t be seeing her anymore because she transferred to another school, but fate paved the way, when we were sophies, she transferred to my school, there, I saw her again. Haha! Enough for that, I actually made this entry to say the happenings I had on her party last Saturday, which was held at Portico de gRacia (if you people don’t know the exact location,it’s in Cavite).

Well, being with high school friends was fantastic. I mean, the reminiscing thing was such a joy to each one of us. As expected, I had fun. I honestly cherished every second of my stay at the party.

Well, I rode with Babu and Jamu, many thanks to Babu for fetching me and bringing me back. Jamu went on our house because she wanted to make pakialam of my stuffs.
I thought we’d be late. We least expected that we’d arrive ahead of our other friends. Raffy, Liana and Keng, Joanah and Marge were the early birds.

I won’t mention anymore who arrived next because I couldn’t remember.
I had fun!,really, (wheew! I used to say it repeatedly ah!).

Gonna post some pix here, or in my multiply, pero the pictures r not yet available dis tym. gonna wait pa for ja to upload the pics.