Entry Number 200

It’s been a while..lots of things happened,,good and bad,,happy and sad,,but I’m still here, trying to stand strong at the edge of sanity,,I have to say these things again:

it’s really hard to continuously like someone

who likes another

it’s hard to think of someone who is thinking

of someone else

it’s hard to figure out where you have to stand

in a person’s life

i know, nauna siya sa kin,,mahal na niya si _______ nung magkakilala kami,,

and I know, my friends are right in saying na “you can’t blame him” blah blah

yeah, I know, I can’t blame him and I don’t even have the right to do it

I know I can’t force a person to give back the feelings

I’m just hurt, and that’s it,,I’m hurt,,yeah, I’m hurt

Well, now, i’m trying to shift my focus

pansin ko na mejo marami ata akong napapalampas in terms of academics and I know now’s the right time to fill-up what I’ve missed,,habang hindi pa huli ang lahat,,kaya nga okay lang sa kin kahit hindi na ko makatulog or makapagpahinga, makapag-aral lang,, mag-aaral na lang muna ako habang hindi pa dumadating si Mr. Right ay mali,,Mr. Real pala..

Ngayon, Aj and I are looking for a condo,,so we will not make uwi na next term, I mean, hindi na yung usual uwian,,nalibot na namin ang Taft, I mean, yung malapit sa school and I’m eyeing for Kassel, mura lang kasi, although hindi sobrang lapit sa school, pwede na rin,,

Sana talaga, maging okay na,,

lalo na yung NSTP ko, it pisses me off kasi sobrang naguguluhan ako kung anong dapat kong gawin

I hope, this coming week, everything will be alright,,

I don’t Know How You’ll Call This

I don’t know if I’m just paranoid, over-reacting or just interpreting what I am going through right now.
I’m feeling bad, coz I think he’s avoiding me..
I’m not really sure though, but that’s how I call it.
He’s not like that before,,long before I blurted out the truth.
If it’s wrong to be honest with him, then, I have sinned against him.
I may have just confused him more..

Ilang araw ko na rin siyang naaabutang online. Madalas ako na ang nauunang umalis dahil hindi ko na matagalan ang pagod at antok, mejo hindi pa rin ako nakakabawi ng antok sa mga panahong to. 2nd week pa lang pero mejo bumibigat na ang mga dapat gawin, pero okay lang, I can bear pa naman, as long as in the end, DL pa rin ako,,okay na sa akin..

Pa birthday gift man lang sa kin.

So back to him..

one week na kaming hindi nag-uusap.
And I don’t know if he’s just busy or iniiwasan niya ako, or ayaw na niya akong kausapin pa talaga.
Last Wednesday,pumasok ako ng maaga just to see him. Mejo matagal ko na rin siyang hindi nakikita so nagpunta ako ng maaga sa Miguel just for him.

Nung lumabas na sila..
kunwari unaware ako,,man,,I saw him, nagulat ako kasi he looks good, I mean, He looks nice in his white jacket.,,plus, I like the color of his shoes. Hehe.

Anyway, nung makita ko siya, hindi siya nakatingin.
Dumating si Jaime and I talked to him.
Supposedly, ituturo ko siya kay Jaime, since I learned, classmates sila sa isang class.
Unfortunately, I ended up not making him ‘turo’ kay Jaime.
I’m not sure kung nakita niya ko.
Ang nakita ko lang, parang mejo umatras siya, at one point at may biglang sinilip sa direction kung saan ako nakatayo.
Hindi ko alam kung ako ba ang nakita niya or ibang tao.,if ever ako, malamang kausap ko si Jaime nung mga panahong dumaan siya.

Before ako pumasok sa PHILPER class ko, tinext ko siya. I said I saw him, he’s wearing blah blah blah, etc, etc,

So I thought, sasagot siya. Hindi ko alam kung wala lang siyang load or talagang ayaw sumagot. well, anyway, in short, hindi siya nagreply.

So, naiisip o tuloy: is there something wrong with what I said? or with what I’ve done?

I really feel bad.
Hindi ako nagpapakaplastic pero gusto kong umiyak.
Alam kong hindi ko pa siya mahal.
Pero, it’s a feeling of hurt e, sinong hindi sasama ang loob?
Clearly, hindi masama ang loob ko na as in galit ako,
I just feel sorry, guilty, and syempre super sad.

Kung talagang napapsmile ko siya..hmm..well thank you.. pero hindi ko rin talaga alam,,ilan ba kaming sinasabihan niya ng ganun???
Baka hindi naman talaga, I know, even if he doesn’t say..
isang babae lang ang makakapagpasaya sa kanya, at yon ang girl na gusto niya for over a year already.

Hindi ko dapat baguhina ng sarili ko para sa kanya.

Kung ano ang nasa akin, well, those are the things that comprise a Joanne.

Innate yun e,,so ako yun..those things make me different from others.

I can never be the girl or the standard ng isang babaeng hinahanap niya.

Kung talagang umiiwas siya,,fine!
Wala akong magagawa.

Kung ayaw niya akong:
kausapin
at
makita

wala rin akong magagawa..it’s his decision..
ayokong ipagpilitan ang sarili ko sa taong hindi ko alama kung ano talaga ang tingin sa akin.

He’s just nice..a really nice guy..yung tipong hindi kana hihiling ng iba..sana alam niya yun,.

kung hindi na ako nageexist sa kanya..well fine,,thanks anyway for being your friend kahit na short time lang.

Ganyan naman ang buhay sa mundong ‘to.
Minsan, mahalaga ka sa isang tao, or tinuturing ka niyang part ng buhay niya
pero at one point. hindi ka na rin niya maiisip pa,

Ang lesson lang siguro:
don’t ever ever dare to expect anything from a person.,
especially, kung walang assurance
lalo na sa isang taong MAY MAHAL NAMANG IBA.

Bored and CrazY

Well, kanina pa talaga ako walang magawa. hehe.
and it pissed me off..haha
kanina pa rin ako papampam sa YM, pero mukhang busy siya..haha

Sinasaktohan ko pa naman ang pag oonline niya..
Minsan talaga..kahit masama pakiramdam ko..sinasaktohan ko pa rin..

haha..crazy me..haha..ang baliw ko talaga..

School Stuff

Ohhh yes. The First week of school seems like not the usual first you know.

Busy-busyhan mode na. Plus career mode. I want to be on the DL again! Ohhh fate, please permit! And of course, I’ll be continuously praying for it!

My major profs seem to be cool. Especially my FILMCRI prof, haha, I like her. She’s cool, plus the subject – which I found amazing this morning. Haha.
Hanga ako e. Haha. Galing mag-isip nung mga tao behind the camera.
Kung iisipin mong ang isang shot ay basta-basta na lang ginagawa, well, hindi po,
talagang pinag-iisipan. At sa susunod na manood ka ng movie, pansinin mo ang pagkakaugnay ng isang shot sa mga susunod pang shot. Haha, basta ang galing! Haha. HIndi ako masyadong makapag-explain dito, basta, ang galing talaga. Haha. Nakakainspire. ehe!

Then, there’s FILDUBS, my prof? Sir Correa, my FILIPI3 prof last term.
He maintained his policy that the DLs will automatically have an additional .5 in the final grade, as well as those peepz who can maintain a perfect attendance. And that’s really nice. Haha.
I’ll be working hard in this major, I promise.

And sooo. the most I think, na kailangang pagpaguran:FILDIAS
kailangan ko yata talagang igapang to. haha. wattaword!
Our prof seems to be cool also, actually, it’s impossible na ma-bore ka sa class niya.
Yung requirements lang and yung expectation niya from you, mejo kailangan mo talagang magseryoso.
Well, anyway, sana, kahit 3.0 makakuha ako sa kanya.

I embarass myself sa ENGLTRI dahil sa mabagal na pagtakbo ng isip ko sa mga nakalipas na araw.
Promise, I’ll be good at it starting tomorrow. Kasi naman, hindi ako maka move on e, kaya ako ganito. Haha.

And guess what? my former crushie, ( I said former coz he’s not my crush anymore!) is my classmate in LITERA2. Haha. He went late during our first meeting, and ako naman, nagulat siyempre, malay ko bang nandun siya, si AJ pa naman sobrang yaya sa kin mag ORIENT2 dahil sabay sila ni former crushie na magtetake nun, and ako naman, ” Hindi pwede, may NSTP ako.” So she said, ahh, e di magsosolo kami ni *****?
And kamusta naman yun? Kung sa totoong crush ko, kailangan ko pang gumawa ng paraan para makasama at makita at makausap siya, e2 namang kay former crushie, pinaglalapit ata kami ng tadhana, haha, Monday ko lang siya hindi nakita. Haay nako talaga, e kasi naman, kahit wala na ang bigots niya ngayon, hindi ko na talaga siya magiging crush. Haha. Wala din naman kasi siyang kwenta according to AJ, dahil siya ang tipo ng tao na walang pakialam sa mundo. Haha. Beat that!

**si former crushie ang mejo unang crush crushan ko sa DLSU, pero ang super frist crush ko talaga ay si Tanann! Haha, I will not reveal his name..mahirap na..maliit lang ang mundo.

So..babooosh muna..

Still About Him

Kung sasabihin ko ang totoo,,magbabago pa ba ang mundo mo? - my stat message.

I’m meaning it. Yes, coz he used to tell me people change.

He told me:

magbabago rin ang ihip ng hangin

-paano mo sasabihin ulit sa akin ang bagay na yan kapag nalaman mo na ang totoo?

baka kailangan mo lang ipakita na karapat dapat ka?

-napapansin mo bang ipinapakita ko sa’yo ang totoong ako?

baka talagang hindi sapat yun para maging

karapat dapat ako sa’yo.

I’m missing him. Yes, and today, I’m missing him more. I always remember the good old times we shared. I don’t know why I can’t move on from the last term. Is at all because of him?

I’m still with my friends this term, but not without him.

He said we’re friends, and I guess, he mean it.

Although I’m certain about it, I still can’t help but be sad about the fact that the possibility of seeing him and talking to him this term is very little. And it hurts me.

Valentines is fast approaching.

I’m not expecting anything.

I know it will just be another ordinary day.

What I just don’t like to see is him- with the girl he likes.

Maybe, I can’t take it.

I can’t bare seeing them, both having smiles on their faces.

I may sound selfish, but I’m just being true.

It’s not the matter of being selfish, it’s just that if that can happen, I wat it to happen without me knowing.

But I guess, the possibility of it is in its littlest.

The girl I think doesn’t like him.

So I used to tell him, “maybe it’s never meant to be”

I just hope, he listens to my advice.

That’s one of the things that can make me smile.

But, just in case, he doesn’t and continuously get hurt,

I’d feel bad for not being the greatest adviser.

as an ending, I want to leave a message for him:

just in case you feel like you can’t find yourself

you know how to keep in touch with me

I maybe hurting more

But I can hide every feeling of hurt just to give you the best advice

Never think no girl adores you

You just ignore her

And that’s me

You ignore me because you’re mind’s closed

As well as your heart

You’re one special friend

And You’ll always be that one special guy I know.

Ano Pa ba?

Haaayyy nako, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko sa kanya.Hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi niyapa rin ma-gets na siya ang taong gusto ko; siya at tanging siya lang.
Hindi niya ba mahalata na siya? e hindi niya ba maisip na:
UNA bakit sa iba sinabi ko, pero sa kanya ay hindi ko masabi-sabi?.Hindi pa ba sapat na clue yun para malaman na siya nga ang tinutukoy koat pilit niya namang hinuhulaan.Kaya nga hindi masabi dba? kasi nga, siya..
PANGALAWASabi ko, madali lang hulaan. Mas madali pa sa ABC. At Hindi na niya kailangang mag-isip. Hindi na niya kailangang mag-isip dahil angkailangan niya lang naman ay pakiramdam. I don’t really know sa kanya, maybe, ayaw niya lang maging assuming.
PANGATLOHindi ko pa nasasabi sa kanya to e, pero sa susunod na mapag-usapan naminang crush ko ang clue na sasabihin ko sa kanya ay ito:
“Madalas, sinasabi natin na kilala natin ang taong ito,pero kung susuriin, gaano mo nga ba kakilala at kabisado ang tinutukoykong tao? Minsan kasi akala mo kilala mo, pero minsan, magtatanong ka,kilala ko nga ba? SA huli, anupaman, walang makakapagsabi kung gaanomo kakilala ang taong ito kundi ikaw lang, at ikaw kahit ano pa man”
–> mejo may logic ata dapat dito, pero pwede na rin sigurong bugtong,mejo paikut-ikot kasi e,
–> sagot: SARILI mo.
Ksi dba, tama naman? Minsan, we think na we know ourselves very well.PEro in times of problems, hindi mo naman alam ang gagawin mo and hindi morin minsan alam kung hanggang saan ang capacity mo. So that’s it, pero in the endang ating mga sarili lang naman ang makakapagsabi na ako lamang angang siyang tunay na nakakakilala sa aking sarili.
Mejo monotonous e, pero ganun na nga lang talaga..Asa pa siyang aaminin ko straightforward na siya ang gusto ko..Naman, kahit kelan hindi ako umamin noh?Showy lang ako pag di mapigilan, pero ittry ko talagang i-deny ang totoo dati.
Basta, ayun na lang ang naiisip kong 3rd clue, pinakamalupet na clue na yan, pag namanhindi pa niya naintindihan, ay ewan ko lang..
Kasi naman, ewan ko ba sa kanya:Kaya niya ko hindi maintindihan ay dahil masyadong sarado ang isip niyaIniisip niyang walang babaeng naghihintay magbago ang isip niya dahil may mahal siyang ibaHIndi sa nagmamarunong, or namimilit, kasi kung iniiwasan siya, baka it was never meant to be
Ang daming beses ko na rin naman naranasan ang mga one-way-love, at ang ginawa ko?Siyempre, give up. I don’t want to wait in vain, nor I couldn’t take waiting for forever noh?If it’s not him, e di hindi.
Pero ngayon, sabi ni Kirs, kahit pano ay may nasisilip siyang pag-asa,kaya ngayon, mejo laban pa ko, pero pag dumating na sa point na naiinlove na naman ako at wala na namang patutunguhan, hindi na rin ako lalaban.
Paano nga ba ako magpapatuloy sa isang labanan na wala akong kakampi?Kahit sabihin nating fully-armored ako, kung ako lang, wala pa rin, talo pa rin ako..
Kasi naman, kung kaya ko lang sabihin sa kanya na: e2 na nga ako..Sabi mo di ba, “I hope she finds me fast..” e daig ko pa nga ang dumaan sa express lane. Ang problema lang, hindi kasi ako ang tipo mongbabae., purong Pinoy ako e, walang kahalong dugo ni Mao at ng mga karamihan sa negosyante sa 168 o Divisoria o CHINAtown.
kung mabasa niya to, sakali lang naman, maisip niya pa kayana sa tuwing binibigyan niya ko ng mga advice, epinapayuhan niya ko sa sarili Niya?
Sa totoo ang, minsan, hindi ko na alam ang iisipin koalam na niya nga ba talaga at sadyang innocent-effect lang siya
or talagang hindi dahil sarado ang lahat sa kanya?
Sabihan ka ba naman nang:
“BAKA KAILANGAN MO LANG IPAKITA SA TAONG GUSTO MO NA KARAPAT-DAPAT KA?”
aware ba siya sa sinasabi niya?alam ba niya ang sinasabi niya?
Hindi niya ba alam talaga na hindi ko alamkung paano ko ipapakita sa kanya na karapat-dapat ako?
Sa pagkakaalam ko, halos naman lahat ng magandang ugali ko,nakikita niya, sinasabi niya pa nga sa kin e.
Ano pa ba ang dapat kong ipakita?

Third Term Is About To Start

Our term break is about to end, two days from now. And I Hate it. I have to go back with my usual routine:

wake up early (now during THs and Ms only)

type, type and type

print, print and print

sleep late

meet up with traffic

study

read

etc. etc.

*A Big sigh*

I have to study, I guess, harder. because I have majors now and I have to be serious in those subjects because I don’t want to be removed in the D.L. My dad will be homw this March or April and I have to show him how serious I am in school, I want to show him how I value my studies and all other serious stuff.

Being in the dl feels great and it’s indeed a source of inspiration too.

I still cannot grasp the fact that third term is about to start..but I have to.

Online Quiz 1

You Are a Natural Beauty!

You’re the kind of beauty that every guy dreams about…One that looks good in the morning – without a stich of makeupThat’s doesn’t mean you’re a total hippie chic thoughYou have style, but for you, style is effortless

What Type of Beauty Are You?

At LAst.,

I haven’t blog for quite a long time..and I have reasons for it

1.I was lazy.

2.My pc’s not working fast (Dad, please come home now,I guess, I need the laptop now. haha)

3.Not feeling well the past few days.

Oh well, what could I say. The opening of this year wasn’t really goodfor our health.My mom’s sick Last Monday, so I did some chores.My temperature had gone to 38 last Tuesday..mom transferred the virus to me.My brother, JB, was sick last WednesdayThursday, Ja’s Sick.
So, san ka pa dba? Umikot ang Virus.I told my mom: Ma, ano ka ba naman, ang tindi naman ng virus mo, umikot sa min.
My mom just listened, she knew it was only a joke.

Last Wednesday

Jamu and I met upAnother videoke Day.
I’ve discovered songs na applicable sa kin ngayon. Hehe.LIke Toni Gonzaga’s We Belong the best part of Toni’s song na nakarelate ako nang todo:
Hoping that someday

For that hello, just a simple hello

And maybe tomorrow

I’m the reason you’ll smile

And you make my day

Kasi, the Guy I like now (read: Like lang) likes someone else and he’s hurting also.So, in my part, parang, how I wish I was that girl you like so you won’t get hurt anymore.
Pero kahit na ganun, Happy pa rin ako na nakakausap ko yung guy even not personally na, kasi ngaterm break ngayon. Sayang, ‘that’ subject, had to end soooo sooon
Pero hiling ko na lang, ngayong term kahit na we have our own lives and busy days dahil magsschool na naman, ay magcontinue ang friendship namin. And yung communication of course. That’s very essential.
Anyway, last night was really a shocking one for me.I’ve read something na sobrang revelation.
I have a message for the people na nakakaalam kung ano yun:Please, ako na po nakikiusap, sana atin atin na lang.Wag na rin po siguro nating itanong dun sa taong involved ang mga bagay na matagal nang tapos.Sana po wag niyong masamain. Atin atin na lang sana yung mga nabasa natin.
Salamat po and I hope you understand.

Friday:I enrolled. I didn’t see my friends.Well I guess, that would be reserved for Monday so that magiging surprised sa kanilayung new look ko ngayon. Haha. Oh Yes,new look. Nag pa trim ako ng hair and my bangs na ko ngayon. =P
Haha. Well, friends, gotta see You On Monday. **hug**huG***

One Happy Day

And so I had a nice Wednesday! (Dec. 27, 2006)My senior friends had a sort of a reunion..or somewhat a get together, if that’s how you call it.We were only few but we still enjoyed and had fun.I was expecting Sir Louie to come but I didn’t know whom he had talked to, he didn’t show up.And oh, before I forget, here were the people who attended the Wednesday blast:me,bez tin, bry, ranj, vinch, lian, jana tootz, lee, april and jolo. Like what I’ve said, were only few. =D
1st stop: We had our lunch at Balinsasayaw (along Aguinaldo Highway, right after Bypass – Silang, Cavite)Tin, since she was living in Mendez, was the first one to arrived.While she was waiting for others to come, I was also waiting for Jana and Bry to arrive at Mercury Dasma since I had nowhere to go.Vinci was on his way to Silang and while I was at Dasma, he was still in SM Bacoor I think, Haha, (Vinch, just correct me, Haha, If you get to read this)So Tin was like “kamusta naman ang paghihintay natin?” and me was “Onga e!”,,fast forward
after like 30 minutes or more, Bry arrived. Tin was already with Lian and later on Ranjel arrived at Balinsasayaw as well.Bry and I waited for Jana, and she arrived after a few minutes.
We (Bry, Jana tootz and I) waited for an airconditioned bus since I told them not to ride on a loser bus.
Joanne’s Dictionary:
loser bus – ordinary bus that look like bulok
And so, a bus came, I even told them, “Oh, baka nakasakay diyan si Vinci!”
Jana: “Onga, ayan nga si Vinci”
Haha, and so, we were four on that bus but we never seated close coz the front seats were occupied.
We sat at the backWe were making fun of Vinch’s ears.We texted him “Vinch, we can see your ears from here!”Jana texted him ” Bebe, I wanna eat your ears, something like that. Haha.
to sum up what had happened:
we had lunch at BalinsasayawWe watched Kasal Kasali Kasalo
The Girls, including me, were reacting while the movie goes on.Especially during the scene wherein Judy Ann found out that Ryan had a mistress.
I told bryan: Men are polygamous. Haha. of course Bryan didn’t agree! Haha!